Confused

So, I posted today that I forgot about this blog.  Truth is, I thought I had started another blog and deleted this one.  It sure is wild to go back and read the things I had written over a year ago.  So let me update what’s been going on since then.

First off, I saw some of my posts when I was in the THICK of my anxiety.  Like the lowest of the low and I can’t believe I EVER got out of that space.  But with a lot of work on myself, I have successfully moved wayyyyy forward.  I learned to be an advocate for myself with my job and I got a voice.  I had some major breakdowns, I had some uncomfortable meetings, a lot of medical paperwork and leaves, and the biggest thing of all, a new manager.  I can’t say I’m flourishing there.  I’m not.  I still hate it, but I stopped seeing major career goals there and decided to let myself have a JOB with a GREAT company.  And I’m okay with that.  They continue to ask me to go to a promotion role, but I can’t and I won’t.  I will slide backwards.

I got lucky because my new manager has a background in medicine and he has anxiety like me, so every issue I describe and express, he understands.  I feel like I have an advocate and that’s amazing.  Since my anxiety journey started I have built up a really good system for me.  A great therapist my job found for me, I had a horrible doctor so I replaced her to one that is just amazing, and understanding.  She really speaks to me like I’m the biggest advocate for self help she’s ever seen.  It’s so amazing.  I’ve limited relationships that aren’t very beneficial for me, and then add in my new boss.

I still have my days, weeks, months.  Don’t get me wrong at all.  I struggle still.  I cry a lot. BUT I have gotten to being able to function most the time.  I’ve started to become able to handle my anxiety and deal with it and still manage to keep friendships, my relationship, my job, and better relationships with my family.  And for that, I’m super proud of myself.

I have taken up yoga.  I’m learning about the Chakras of the body.  I’m learning about astrology.  I’m reading more.  I’m painting more, even though it’s still awful.  I’m planning things more with planners.  I’m working on tracking my foods more to eat healthier and feel better.  I’m doing puzzles still.  I am also doing pixel art.  I have taken up diamond painting also.

And I’ve stopped being everyone’s go to for their problems.  I found a way to try to fix them on my own, so they can too.

So, what’s never for all of you out there, my fellow anxiety people?

And who can help me with blocked Chakras?

Forgotten

So, I completely forgot I started this blog.  I’ve been writing so much in my own personal journal apps that I forgot I started this one.  But I’m back!

I’m in the middle of quarantine.  Well, towards the end I guess.  I’m in a state that is starting to open up.  The restuarants opened yesterday…some, but not many.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  Everyone is arguing anymore.  Open!  Don’t open!  The economy!  The health of others!

Argue.  Argue.  Argue.

I’ve tried to disconnect from it all.  Truth is, I work at home so my life hasn’t been too disrupted outside of my fave Wednesday night restaurant is now a pic up instead of eat in.  I miss it.

I’m sure we all have our thoughts on this time in the world.  We can dance a dance with opinions but in the end I don’t think it’s going to matter.  People will continue to vote how they do, act how they do, see how they see, and nothing much will change.

Until that day, I think this is where we will sit.  And with how mad some people are, this might be the safest place to be.

Call It How I See It

Call me a shit talker if you choose. I don’t really care. But I have to address something I see quite frequently.

The person in the relationship/marriage, but is always alone at events.

Please tell me what the purpose of having a life partner/spouse is, if you have to attend all said functions alone. I don’t understand the alone factor. I’m not saying you have to be connected to hips in life, but when you are always at events alone, why even have this person in your life? Isn’t life about sharing events together? You create memories together and enjoy life together and clearly, this isn’t being done if you aren’t with your partner at events.

Especially the relationships with zero kids and only one working partner. I see this myself.

We shall call them Colleen and Thomas.

Colleen doesn’t have kids. Colleen doesn’t work. Colleen is a struggling POTENTIAL business owner. Like she has her talents for the world to see but doesn’t pursue said talent for a living. Colleen stays home and Colleen passes time. Colleen complains about not having friends but ignores any invite to hang out. Colleen makes her life her partner, Thomas.

Thomas works over 40 hours a week. Thomas travels around for work. Thomas has friends and a social life. Thomas is a very personable guy. Thomas is willing to leave all that behind to support Colleens dreams of her potential business. Thomas moves away for her.

Sounds like a great love story. But my question is…why is it more than half the time I see Thomas out and with friends, Colleen isn’t around? And yet Thomas has to rearrange things like flights, and life schedules, to hold Colleen’s hand on adult things, such as not flying alone?

Maybe I was just single too long. Maybe I was forced to be the six toe on too many events. Maybe I don’t take little things for granted. But I know my Panda did many things solo being single. I did too. So I know what it is like to have to brave solo and I know that feeling. And I have made a promise to never let my Panda see a movie alone again. Or go to a work company event. We are life partners. We support each other. You never have to enter a social event alone again. Even if I don’t like it or don’t want to be there, that’s what I feel partners do. I don’t understand how something as simple as not standing by your partner is so easy to do.

Cherish it.

Value it.

And for fucks sake, show off that handsome/gorgeous piece of arm candy that you call your own every single chance that you get.

About a month ago I got a text message from a friend saying some life changing news about ending a relationship. In return, I did as I always do, I reached out. I was there whenever I was needed and I always let this friend know I was there. But things in life seem to be calming down for her and for that, I’m happy. As I hoped wouldn’t be the case, I have heard less from this person.

Just the other day I told my boyfriend that I didn’t hear back from a text I sent this person and he said he wasn’t surprised. He told me to just stop reaching out. Stop trying. As much as it breaks my heart, I think he’s right.

So I woke up today. No texts from anyone. I put no facebook post. I got no comment from anyone on facebook. No instagram.

Nothing.

I knew that would happen. It will happen again tomorrow, and again after that, and on and on until someone needs something from me. A shoulder, a friend, a person for advice. And I will fight with everything in me to NOT be that one that always answers that call.

Truth be told, no one but my boyfriend ever answers it for me anymore.

At this point, I’d rather be alone.

I’m not suicidal by any means. But what I do know is that if I needed someone and had a cry for help, I truly have no idea who would even answer and that means I would never even bother.

Tonight

Depression is winning.

That is all.

Tech Junkie

So, I got an Echo Dot.  I was hesitant but now I’m so happy I did.  Since getting the Dot, I have gotten another one.  I have also gotten a Hue Light bridge and 2 whitening bulbs.  Then I got two color bulbs.  Then a light strip.  Now I have a WeMo smart switch.

Let’s just say, I want more.  More lights.  A camera doorbell.  A thermostat.  This is the best stuff ever!

So, if you aren’t creeped out by the speaker part of this, then I would suggest to do it.

Now let me go finish putting my new surround sound system together on my new 4k TV.

Happy new year everyone!

2018 My Time For True Change

I’ve decided this year, I’m going to scale things back and be more personal and have more intimate relationships.  I want true substance in my life, or nothing.  I know, coming from me is pretty silly sounding because I have always been a total open book.  But over time, I’ve learned this time off is for the best.

During 2016, I had been painted a way that I am not.  Parts of me came out that I didn’t even know existed.  I realize now, I was so horribly unhappy painting something for the world and myself that wasn’t true.

Then came 2017.  I had left most of the chaos alone and moved on in so many healthier and more positive directions in my life, along with a year and some in a new relationship.  I wish I could say all the chaos from before had gone away, but bits and pieces of it straggled into my life.  I felt I needed to post things to show that my life was continuing to go on and on WITHOUT them.  But it wasn’t until later that I realized those elements were still running my life.

Heck, 2017 was a very rough year for me.  I was on leave for 6 months.  That leave had me without pay for a good 6 weeks and I constantly feared losing my job.  But I didn’t, and things worked out.  When I headed back to work, that’s when I decided that caring about all the filth in my life from before was just that…filth.

It doesn’t matter.

Along with all the fake social media friendships we have.  I like some people and how they have grown into, but overall, there is no attempt from the receiving end to keep a friendship.  I tried and tried to take those friendships outside of Facebook and twitter, but it’s not happened.  So, I have decided to stop trying.

I miss the put the phone down talk and catch up relationships.

I miss the corny text messages.

I miss actually learning about someone from them, because they post it all on Facebook.  I want to hear it FROM you.

I want true, authentic, real friendships.

I have decided 2018 is going to be the year to work towards that.  Those that matter to me…well they will alway be around, but the others, they can fade away.  My heart and mind don’t need to waste any more time on those that aren’t true and authentic.  That’s my goal, that’s my wants, and truthfully, it’s my need.

So, I hope to come and blog some more, but I participated in a mindful challenge from work and got a kick ass journal to write in, and I have to say, it sounds oh so tempting.  The personal aspect of it really trigger me also.  I want to have more ME in 2018 and less me for everyone that I’ve always done.

It’s time to make me a top priority.

So, I hope you can make 2018 your bitch, like I am working on making mine.  I really hope it’s a great year for everyone…

Today

Is a day where it’s rainy and gloomy and just yuck, but inside, my heart is just happy.

Stationhead

So, I joined this app called Stationhead.  I really like the premise.  You kinda have your own little radio station.  You can log in, you can have your own little show, and people can tune in. You can invite people on your show and talk to them.  It is very, very cool.  I have spent a good amount of time on there, and I have met some very awesome people and heard some damn good music.  But there’s one flaw in the concept of Stationhead for some people.

I’m not one who has the organization to have a show.  It’s too much thought and energy and organization for that.  Always finding new ideas and topics and people to partake.  But on top of all of it, there’s a bigger issue for someone like me.

You have to talk.

I’m overly shy.  I tend to not talk about much.  Over the years, I have learned I have very little in common with people.  When I get in group conversations, I have little to add because most things discussed I have no interest in.

See, I am an introvert.  I have little to say, little to discuss, and I hate this fluff talk, or talk with big groups.  I like one on one talks.  I want to have substance, and meaning, and purpose.  I don’t talk just to talk and have a voice I wanna listen to, I talk because the things I have to say mean something to me and I can gain insight and knowledge from others.  And app like Stationhead isn’t the core for that..it’s actually the opposite.  It’s a GREAT app for those extroverts who have energy, an passion.  Or those musicians who have a talent to share with the world and actually want to connect to people with spoken word outside of their music.  I love to listen to that.  I love the impromptu music sessions I’ve heard.  See, I’m a person that music speaks to my soul.  It doesn’t just boost me up or make me happy, but it makes me feel like my emotions and thoughts aren’t alone.  I hear so much of what I feel in that music.  It’s even better when you get a passionate singer who actually sounds like they feel the pain in what they are singing, like I feel the pain inside of my soul.  Connecting with them on a level outside of that fills so many holes in me.

But I just kind find a reason to speak.  I don’t have a voice in my throat, I have a voice in my fingers.  Stationhead is a great extrovert app.  Get it, love it, enjoy it.  Hell, it’s not even public yet, so use my invite code GOONER2A77.  Blow that shit up.  TALK HARD!

But me?  I’m gonna keep my voice and thoughts on my finger tips.  I just function like that.

I just realized this about introvert writers — awriterly

I just realized something. Maybe you know it already. I don’t think it is all that novel or new or special. But I think this is the thing that I have been waiting for. This is the thing I needed to realize so that I can write. The perspective shift I needed to make to […]

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