I try to be the most positive person alive, but I fail a lot. I have that engrained feeling of immediate negativity. Double that with depression, and it’s like a small drop of water can end up being a whole rain shower. It starts and it feeds and spreads and before you know it, you can’t stop it. I fight it every day, and most days, I lose that battle. But I’ve learned that every moment that I catch those thoughts and put them where they belong, I win a little. It’s just a small victory, but small victories can grow to be bigger victories and eventually, I hope I win the entire war.
I have thought a lot about distant friendships. As my therapist says, relationships shift. I have a big acquaintance pool now. My brain instantly says, acquaintance pool means one step closer to not being friends, but truth is, they could easily move back to friend. Just that simple change in thought, and acknowledging the statement is so true, that’s the small victories I talk about. Speaking of friendships, I focus so much on being distant with them, but the truth is, I need to realize this distance is due to different places in my life and their lives. Cheating husbands, co-dependent relationships, drug addictions, and failure to budge correctly are all battles I see and hear. Instead of being irritated with those comments, I need to just think to myself, I am so happy to have my Panda. Shit, I fought so hard for him, I fought so hard for me to be stable to have him, and I need to just smile that my battle, my lack of settling, and my journey to fix me has rewarded me with NOT having to deal with these things I hear so much about. Instead of being upset and irritated over it, I need to learn to appreciate just how awesome and blessed I am. I realize my path was hard, but I fought hard, and I have been rewarded. A hard working, faithful, open minded, independent, responsible man, who’s grown enough to handle his own money and instead of seeking the cure of negative influences and substances, has found the gym as his outlet. I need to realize I can learn a lot from him. Still.
I also spent months crying I couldn’t find a different job than what I have now. God, well, he works in mysterious ways. He truly knows what you need. I didn’t want to work with a bunch of my former coworkers. I didn’t want to take a pay cut. God never made those opportunities happen for me. He knew why. He knew some adjustments needed to be made and I could stay right where I was. I will never have such good benefits again. I will never have such a supportive employer again. I needed to be made to stay there to remind me that the only thing out there for me is lower than what I have. I have learned to be grateful for the things my employer provides me with and smile that I have become so lucky to have them.
I am realizing that the small victories are outweighing the negative ebb and flow of life. I am reminded that there is more. There always will be more. I can ride the wave, and even if she might knock me down sometimes, I have the ability to get back up and keep fighting.
I am a fighter. That’s my positive. I am a fighter. And I’ve been blessed beyond belief. Sometimes life just has to slap me in my face to make me see it.
Lynnie The Gooner 